May Their Memory Be For A Blessing

By Hazzan Jacob Sandler.

Between Rosh HaShanah, known in the Torah as Yom HaZikaron (the Day of Remembrance), and Yom Kippur, I’m thinking about memory and the Yizkor service. It is common when Jews interact with mourners to say, “May their memory be for a blessing.” I like this phrase more than “They’re in a better place” or “may they rest in peace” because these phrases focus on the deceased. But what we say is focused on the mourner – the one who remembers, and thereby grieves. But what does it mean for a memory to be for a blessing? And is this even how people talk? 

In the Yizkor service, the liturgy still implores us to pledge an act of Tzedakah (usually monetary) in memory of our loved one(s). So their memory is indeed an opportunity for us to contribute to another living person’s experience of a blessing – like money for food, clothing, shelter, or any other number of blessings provided by a charitable organization. Perhaps, the phrase means something more like, “may the memories we hold on to and share be comforting.” Our hope is that our memories elicit a feeling of being blessed to have known our loved one, rather than feeling exclusively sad and grief-stricken by the loss.

Since my parents are still alive, I wouldn’t ordinarily be in the Yizkor service if not for being a Hazzan. That’s only a custom, so if you choose to stay regardless, you’re welcome and may get a lot out of it. Still, I’m remembering grandparents, friends who left this world too soon, and some distant relatives I didn’t know that well. 

So, what constitutes a memory? Is it a name? A birthdate or yahrzeit date? A picture from generations past? What about those who died long before us? Are their memories still a blessing? First hand memories are wonderful, but so are stories we hear and can imagine. Quotes or aphorisms attributed to those long gone help us glimpse the values of our ancestors. A personal journal or piece of writing could be invaluable. 

A year or so ago, I started reading my Great-grandfather Phil’s journal, z”l*. He only started keeping one for the last few years of his life to recount stories about his family – his grandparents, and parents and siblings. He hadn’t yet written about my grandfather, his son, before he passed away. Reading his words, getting a sense of how he thought, how he might’ve spoken, and what he deemed important to pass on helped me feel close to him, like I got to know him even though my mom was only a year or so old when he died. The journal, found and published by my first cousin once removed, also had lots of pictures in it. And after a few weeks of reading through this journal, I had a dream and he was in it. He didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know what his voice sounded like. But I could see him sitting there, and I knew that it was him. 

After my Bubbe z”l passed away, I had several dreams she was in, that I called visits. I believe that dreams have a deep spiritual nature to them. And when I was able to construct through pictures and writings a memory of who my great-grandfather was, that memory became a blessing to me as I, in a limited sense, got to meet him. 

When I think about those I knew and loved and mourn during Yizkor, I believe in all three of the blessings their memories can be. A blessing to those who benefit from the Yizkor pledge to give Tzedakah, a blessing of comfort to those who live and remember, and a blessing to the soul of our loved ones who are able to live on in those memories, and stay intimately connected with us here in this world until it is our time to join them in the world to come.

*z”l = Zichrono/zichronah Livracha (His/her memory for a blessing)